i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
