My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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