I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
