you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
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