Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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