i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
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