I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
