3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
