Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
