She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
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