I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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