dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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