i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
