Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Randomize
