i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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