Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
