as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Randomize
