Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
there is puke in my bra ... again
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