Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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