I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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