Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
tell me about the fingering
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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