I'm gonna have a badass scar
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I am available for nakedness
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
