In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
