so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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