I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
