I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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