i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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