New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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