oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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