I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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