she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
