You can't special order awesome
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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