There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize