im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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