White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
