My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
