I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
don't judge my taste in strippers
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize