I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
God I need to hump something, right now.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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