New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize