I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
