Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
