I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Randomize
