i was born a porn star she said
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
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