I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
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