I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
