if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
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