so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
