before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
