i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
