shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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