I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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