im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
