My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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