My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
