you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
