Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
