eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Randomize
