There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
