The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
