God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
